Rule 1: Don't give a flying f**k what people think of you. Rule 2: Stop telling yourself “I can’t do that.” Yes you can. It is only a matter of discovering the balance between your body and mind and finding a version of that activity that is comfortable to both body and mind. Rule 3: Wear what the hell you like as long as you feel comfortable but avoid short skirts unless you have great legs and thick tights (blue veins make your legs look like stilton cheese). Rule 4: Always check your back view in the mirror, just in case you have got your skirt tucked in your knickers, to most people it is the sign of a ‘crazy old lady’. Oh what the heck, leave it there it will make someone’s day. Rule 5: Invest in a good bra with wide straps, it stops your boobs from getting trapped between your knees. Rule 6: Purchase a good moisturiser, it helps to soften the wrinkles that no longer get dragged out of your face by your sagging boobs. Rule 7: Wear your hair longer and on your face, it hides the jowls. Rule 8: Do at least one crazy thing every day and don’t be embarrassed about it. It will make you feel alive. Rule 9: Friends, choose them carefully and make sure they are as disgraceful as you. Anyone else will think you have finally flipped your lid. Rule 10: Sing and dance but remember street dance moves play havoc on arthritic knees and spine. Rule 11: Keep you weight down, it helps the arthritic knees and spine and improves your street dance moves. Rule 12: Laugh like it is going out of fashion, but donkey, camel and blocked drain impressions should be kept to a minimum. Rule 13: Speak your mind and if you upset someone act as though you have no idea what you said. Rule 14: Eye up the local talent, but remember you are only window shopping. Rule 15: If you do find someone you want to have sex with never ever be on top, everything falls forward, including your dentures. And, believe me, with the lights off it looks even worse; just imagine a horror film where the beautiful young woman transforms into a lizard, and multiply it by ten. That’s it you’ve got the picture. Rule 16: If you fancy an occasional bottle of wine have it, remember you are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without falling off. Rule 17: Never stop learning, but when you are over a certain age you don’t have to learn by your mistakes because you can put them down to a senior moment. Rule 18: Smile often, laughter lines are the most flattering and acceptable besides it takes less energy to smile than to frown. You can use that saved energy on your next crazy idea. Rule 19: Never have a facelift. Eventually, the corners of your mouth end up next to your ears and you look like a Cheshire cat on dope. Rule 20: Live, laugh and love like you have never done it before; well you haven’t, not like this anyway.
Ladies Guide to Growing Old Disgracefully
ReplyDeleteRule 1: Don't give a flying f**k what people think of you.
Rule 2: Stop telling yourself “I can’t do that.” Yes you can. It is only a matter of discovering the balance between your body and mind and finding a version of that activity that is comfortable to both body and mind.
Rule 3: Wear what the hell you like as long as you feel comfortable but avoid short skirts unless you have great legs and thick tights (blue veins make your legs look like stilton cheese).
Rule 4: Always check your back view in the mirror, just in case you have got your skirt tucked in your knickers, to most people it is the sign of a ‘crazy old lady’. Oh what the heck, leave it there it will make someone’s day.
Rule 5: Invest in a good bra with wide straps, it stops your boobs from getting trapped between your knees.
Rule 6: Purchase a good moisturiser, it helps to soften the wrinkles that no longer get dragged out of your face by your sagging boobs.
Rule 7: Wear your hair longer and on your face, it hides the jowls.
Rule 8: Do at least one crazy thing every day and don’t be embarrassed about it. It will make you feel alive.
Rule 9: Friends, choose them carefully and make sure they are as disgraceful as you. Anyone else will think you have finally flipped your lid.
Rule 10: Sing and dance but remember street dance moves play havoc on arthritic knees and spine.
Rule 11: Keep you weight down, it helps the arthritic knees and spine and improves your street dance moves.
Rule 12: Laugh like it is going out of fashion, but donkey, camel and blocked drain impressions should be kept to a minimum.
Rule 13: Speak your mind and if you upset someone act as though you have no idea what you said.
Rule 14: Eye up the local talent, but remember you are only window shopping.
Rule 15: If you do find someone you want to have sex with never ever be on top, everything falls forward, including your dentures. And, believe me, with the lights off it looks even worse; just imagine a horror film where the beautiful young woman transforms into a lizard, and multiply it by ten. That’s it you’ve got the picture.
Rule 16: If you fancy an occasional bottle of wine have it, remember you are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without falling off.
Rule 17: Never stop learning, but when you are over a certain age you don’t have to learn by your mistakes because you can put them down to a senior moment.
Rule 18: Smile often, laughter lines are the most flattering and acceptable besides it takes less energy to smile than to frown. You can use that saved energy on your next crazy idea.
Rule 19: Never have a facelift. Eventually, the corners of your mouth end up next to your ears and you look like a Cheshire cat on dope.
Rule 20: Live, laugh and love like you have never done it before; well you haven’t, not like this anyway.
©Brenda Diskin 2015